I was sleeping fine until, bam, 3:30 AM hit and that ended. I have no idea what woke me up, but after getting up and grabbing a drink of water, sleep would not return.

My mind is racing about relationships - both personal and professional. I have a lot to figure out and feel like I am on an island with no one to help me.

On the personal side, I am trying to figure out who I am to myself, my wife, my immediate family and my extended family - and how does all of that fit together without destroying who I am (or think I am - The line is a bit blurry). A lot of this rolls into the professional side because, like a lot of men, I feel defined by what I do. It is weird. I never wanted to be like this, but when you spend over 40 hours a week for over 20 years working, a large part of your self esteem gets tied to your job. When someone comes in and tells you that your job is going to be moved to another company, you question your worth. Even though I was offered a job and had to turn it down because I didn't want to move, I still feel worthless. I question my value to the company. I don't know what to do. Because I feel inadequate, it is not a good time to try and sell myself to another company, but that is probably the best thing I could do. Feeling wanted would improve my self esteem immensely.

The funny part is, I think everyone involved believes that I do feel wanted. I was offered a job with the new company. My current company offered me a yet to be defined position as liaison with the new company (a job that was described as dead-end). Neither of these items are filling the bill. A job offered and refused does not clarify my future. And being wanted is fine, but if the requirements for that offer are not feasible, the offer loses some of its shine. And at my point in life, I am not ready to "settle" for a dead-end job doing something that I do not believe suits me.

I want the people involved to know that there is a risk in my leaving. Not as a threat, but so that when I come in and hand in my resignation, no one is overly surprised - they will have known this was a possibility. But then I think, shouldn't they know that? Isn't it their job to assess the risks of the transition and mitigate those risks. Is it my responsibility to jump on a chair and scream "Hey!! Look at me. I am not happy with my options, don't like the direction we are moving in and at this point, have no future with this company!! I am seriously considering leaving, giving you only two weeks time to replace me!! This is a huge risk."?

I'm no closer to an answer than when I started this post, but it does seem therapeutic to write this out. It forces me to think about it, even it if is at 4:30 AM.

So, here I am in Alpharetta Georgia working on installing a network infrastructure for the company who will be taking my job away. It is strange. I feel like an outsider here. Actually, I feel like an outsider everywhere. I am no longer part of TKMNA, they passed all of the operations personnel over to TKIT (at least from a management standpoint) and am not part of TKIT. I was offered a position with TKIT, but it required relocation to Georgia. With the girls still in high school and the housing market in the tank, that was not an option. When I turned down the job back in May, I told them that I was interested in working for TKIT, but could not relocate. I have not heard another word about employment since then from either TKIT or TKMNA.

I came here thinking this would be the time that they would discuss the future with me. The only discussion I had was a conversation with Robert, my old boss, concerning comments that some of the other employees had said to me about a position I was taking with the applications group at TKMNA. Other than a brief discussion with TKMNA about a liaison position for TKIT (a position that was described as being dead-end), I have not talked to TKMNA about any jobs. Robert basically said he hoped I would be able to join TKIT in Alpharetta in the future, but expected thatI would be with a TK company in some capacity.

That conversation pissed me off. They are assuming that I will be around no matter what. Not only do I feel displaced, I feel taken for granted. Add this to the fact that there are several others that were offered and accepted positions within TKIT that will not be relocating and I am feeling left behind.

So now I need to decide where to go from here. I have had vendors who are aware of the situation who have said that they would take care of me, but they discussed PM positions. I'm not sure if that is the direction in which I wish to go.

So the question is, where do I go from here? I'm feeling depressed, frustrated and useless. I am so burned out I can't stand it. We have been doing too much with too little for so long and it is finally taking its toll.

Thinking...... More later