Finally back

Here I am on the verge of another year. As I'm sure you noticed, I have been "off the air" for five months. There are many reasons for this, but the biggest is that I just haven't made time to write.

Just to keep things up to date, here is a quick update on what has been going on for the past five months.

• I lost in the primary for the Charter Commissioner. After I got the stent, I wasn't sure I wanted to put the effort in to create the new government structure. I didn't campaign at all. I didn't want to spend any money on the election and my plans to start a grass-roots e-mail campaign never happened.
• I have been running, although I have just started up again after a month off. The time off was not planned. The weather turned bad here and I couldn't get outside. I have a treadmill and could have used that, but I struggle with using it because I worry that my early morning running will wake my family.
• I am still struggling with periods of depression. It seems to stem from a lack of self confidence. This is something that I really want to work on. The dark periods are a strain on my marriage and my health.
• I have not had any problems with my heart. I have been very diligent in taking my medicine and working out (I lift weights about 3 days a week).

That pretty much covers it. I was just looking at my posts from June and July and was surprised how many blog entries I had. I had thought I had done 3 or 4 postings. I was surprised to see double that number.

I will probably talk about my New Years goals in a different entry, so I won't get into them here. I will say that I really want to be consistant in posting in the new year (at least once a week). It has to be a priority.

I did finally get on the treadmill this morning. I ran without walk breaks and it felt good. I was afraid that after a month off, I would feel like Jabba the Hut trying to run. I'm planning on getting another run in before the end of the year (meaning, I'll run tomorrow).

--Maddog

A different type of running

I am running for a "political" office. I use the quotes, because, while this is an elected position, it is a very short term position with very limited hours. There is no chance of re-election into this position. The primary elections are on August 5th. The general election is in November.

I am running to be the Charter Commissioner for our district. Back in May, a special election was held in our county to decide if we wanted to continue to run the county government in the manner prescribed by the State (with County Commissioners representing both the executive and legislative branches of government) or if we wanted to devise our own way of functioning (most likely with fewer County Commisioners and a County Exectutive). The election was requested by a group with ties to unions and other special interest groups. In that election, it was decided we wanted to devise our own form of county government.

The proposed charter for functioning will be created by a group of 26 individuals, one from each of the current districts. These individuals would be commissioned developing the charter which defines how the county government will be set up. Once it is created, the voters would choose whether they want to adopt the new charter or not. If they elect not to adopt it, the Charter Commission has one more chance to make changes to the proposed charter. If the new charter is not adopted in a second election, the county will revert back to running in the manner prescribed by the State.

I decided to run for the position of Charter Commissioner right after the May election. My initial feeling (one confirmed after doing more research) was that the election was driven by a group that had only one goal - to get a county executive in place. I cannot say whether having a county executive will be a good thing or a bad thing. A lot of that depends on how the position is defined. My goal in running for the position was to ensure that the creation of the charter was not done by people with a specific agenda. I want to make sure that all aspects are looked at from various points of view. This includes input from the current County Commissioners, residents and the business sector. I don't think it will be an easy task, but it is an important one.

So, why should I be elected? I don't hold a law degree nor have any experience in drafting legal documents. I have no political experience. I have never drafted a charter for a county government before - although there aren't many people who have.

I have lived in this county all my life - spending the first 26 years in the heavily populated southern part and then moving to the rural northern part, where I have resided for the past 16 years. I have no agenda in creating a charter, so I will be open to input from a number of sources. My only goal is to create a government that will allow the county to be successful.

Defining what is successful is going to be the most difficult part. The purpose of the commission is not to run the county or to define what needs to be done. It is to determine the structure of our government; is an executive needed, if so how much power will they have; how many commissioners will be needed, what is their role in the new government.

I'm writing this to organize my ideas. The election is less than two weeks away and my campaigning has been minimal. I need to decide - is this something that I can do? Is it something I want to do?

There's a darkness on the edge of town

It seems as I get older, I struggle more and more with what I can only describe as depression. Generally, I would consider myself a pretty upbeat person, bordering on, but not quite an optimist. When I enter these "other" periods, I am anything but.

During these dark times, all I want is to be alone. This doesn't work too well for someone who is married with three children (two who are still at home) and who has a full time job managing others. I don't want to make small talk, much less have a real conversation. I don't find joy in doing anything. I could be in the middle of the best book in the world or watch my favorite movie or go on a run and just not enjoy it. In fact, just getting through the day is a struggle. I use the mantra "Just get me through today" knowing full well that the next day will be no better.

I can't explain what puts me into one of these moods. It generally is triggered by a comment directed at myself that is critical about how I do things or what I am doing. The majority of time, this comment originates from my wife. The comment may be minor and off-hand or may come in the middle of an argument. It my be on the mark or totally unfair. Regardless, it sets me into a tailspin that can take days to come out of.

Most of times the comment made would simply roll off my back and I would go on without a problem. For some reason, unknown even to myself, I must be ready to fall into the vortex of depression when the triggering comment is made. It happens quickly and without warning. On moment, I am going through life with no problem, the next, I am totally shut down.

I don't scream or yell. I don't argue. The depressed times can be best described as times that I am simply not there emotionally. Internally, I am feeling worthless. I actually tend to do more around the house at these times, mostly to keep busy and avoid having to talk with anyone - Just make it through the day.

Usually, this will last for a day to several days. It is sort of amazing that you can carry things like this through sleep (wouldn't it be great if sleep could wipe our emotional slate clean and we could start out fresh each day??). My wife says that I don't want to come out of this state and that there is a part of me that wants to be the victim. I don't agree with that, but I will say that when I am in my shutdown mode, my imagination goes crazy making up things where everyone is against me. These thoughts will keep me in my dark place, if not taking me to darker places.

Coming out of one of these episodes is usually a slow climb out of a deep pit. I feel a little better by degrees until finally, I find myself feeling like my old self again (only a bit fatigued - depression takes a lot out of you physically). Usually, once I am fully out of the state, I am good for a month or two before falling back in that dark hole. But it really depends. If I am stressed or if my wife and I are in a period where we don't see eye to eye, it my come back in a few days. Again, there is some underlying thing here that I don't understand.

I am not a person who spends a lot of time in self-analysis, but I think I need to do more of that to help understand this. I am thinking that this blog may be my way of doing self-anlysis. It forces me to articulate my thoughts and feelings into clear words and write them out. Generally, I avoid spending much time looking at these things.

I'm sure I'll have more to say about this topic in the future - stay tuned.

Running- I did a lot of running two weeks ago, hardly any last week. I need to find a happy medium.

-- Maddog

Blogging

There are times that I feel like I am being compelled to do something. I believe that God has a plan for us and there are things that He wants us to handle. When we need prompting, He will continually have a subject come up in our lives (this may be called by some coincidences). There is a book that talks about this called When God winks - I haven't read it my self, but it is on my to-do list.

It was this way with my heart disease; the issue kept coming up in different ways and through different people. I'm not sure if I acheived His goal is for me in this area (or maybe that is still to come), but I definitely know more about the subject and pay more attention to it both personnaly and with others.

Maybe this blog is what I am supposed to be doing and He used the heart problem as a way to get me writing.

What is this blog exactly and how did it come to be? Actually, it started with my wife looking into creating her own blog. She does some writing (which I strongly encourage) and was looking for a way to publish what she wrote. I have worked on the technical side of computers for years, so I looked into ways that she could set one up. I went so far as to set one up for myself, just so I would know how to do it. Since I had a blog set up, I figured I might as well use it. So here I am.

I am really using this more as a journal than a blog. I haven't told anyone about this and am not looking for lots of loyal readers (although I wouldn't complain if that happened). This is just a way for me to express myself and get my thoughts organized in a way that they might be useful.

So, to get back to my original point, do I think this is what I should be doing? Actually, yes, I do think so. Every time I sit down to write, it is not a burden. The words just flow out of me. I don't feel like I am forcing anything (the reader may disagree). If nothing else, this gets me to think.

Running update - I have run the last couple of days. Today I went fairly slow. I actually paid more attention to my body than my pace. If I noticed even the slightest pain, I slowed down. And I am still doing the run walk thing.

--Maddog

Angina

The first hint I had that I may have any sort of health problem came, surprise, when I was running.

I came across a rare evening where I had nothing going on and decided to go for a run. I went about 100 yards and found that I was having problems breathing and pain in my chest. I cut the run short and chalked the problem up to not giving myself enough time after dinner before running.

I tried running a few more times, but kept having the same issue. I was thinking that I had some sort of lung infection and wasn't too worried about it. After two weeks, I finally went to the doctor.

After several visits to our family doctor, several tests and finally a couple of trips to a cardiologist, I found out that the pain I was having was angina. According to the American Heart Association, angina is an "uncomfortable pressure, fullness, squeezing or pain in the center of the chest. The discomfort also may be felt in the neck, jaw, shoulder, back or arm." This discomfort is caused by the heart not getting as much blood as it needs. This usually happens because one or more of the heart's arteries are narrowed or blocked.

In my case, the main problem lay in my right coronary artery. It was 95% blocked. I also had blockage of about 40% on my left side, but the right was the major concern. A stent was put in to reduce the blockage in that artery. The other areas will be monitored and may require either stents or by-pass surgery in the future.

My situation frustrated my cardialogist. I don't have any of the normal factors for this type of condition (smoking, weight issues, diabetes, age). The culprit is heredity - I have high cholesterol (300+ range). I have taken medication for it with some positive results, but have not been as intentional in keeping the prescriptions filled as I should have been. Part of my problem is that I felt invincible. I mean, I'm in my early 40's. I'm still young (those of you who don't agree will find yourself saying the same thing when you get here). Anyway, I am and will be much more intentional about keeping on the medications.

I also need to be more intentional about what my body is telling me. Since the stent was put in, I have not had the pains when climbing the stairs, but I still notice it when I get stressed or try to run harder than I should. I am working on reigning myself in, not only when running but with life in general.

It is hard to hold yourself back when you are used to going at 100 MPH all the time and doing everything. But that is what I have to do now.

I did run today. Too fast.

-- Maddog

Galloway training program

I ran again this morning. Suddenly, I am running near the pace that I was prior to the whole incident and I'm not sure if that is a good thing. I didn't set out this morning to run quicker, but I did feel good from the start. I continue to use the method of running and walking popularized by Jeff Galloway.

Actually, realizing that I used the Galloway method makes the pace I ran at even more amazing.

Jeff Galloway is a former Olympic athlete who developed a training program based on the goal of keeping athletes injury free. His program is based on the belief that taking walk breaks during a run of any length will help prevent the injuries that many runners get, particularly when they start packing on the miles. There is some evidence that employing the method during a race can actually improve your times. The breaks give your muscles a chance to recover and hit the next period of running more rested. Generally, the ratio between running and walking for experienced runners is 5 minutes running to 1 minute walking.

I always looked at taking a walk break during a run was alright, provided you needed it, but I never tried to employ a scheduled walk break in my run. I have been doing that since coming back from my heart problems in an effort to keep from pushing myself too hard. I may continue to use it to avoid injuries.

Just another example of how life can sometimes force us to change our perspective on matters and allow us to see that things that we held so strongly in our beliefs can be changed.

Serving

Friends of ours had a graduation party for their son this past weekend. My wife and I believe that when you have a party of that sort where there are going to be lots relatives and friends coming over, you cannot do it yourself. So we, along with another couple, volunteered to serve them for the day.

This means that we would help set up for the party, get the buffet ready for dinner, watch the food throughout the day to make sure that all of the dishes are full, empty trash and generally do whatever it took to free the hosts up to greet their guests and socialize.

These are special friends and we were happy to do this important (and exhausting) job. And even though we were doing this, we still had time between the four of us to have a good time at the party. Our friends could not find enough words to express their appreciation for what we did.

The Bible says that you should serve others (he who wants to be first should make themselves last, to paraphrase). This weekend once again proved how fulfilling serving can be. Our friends were so thankful for all we did, you could tell it meant the world to them.

I want to be more active in looking for ways to serve others. This doesn't have to be an all day event like it was at the party. Any way of assisting others helps - getting the door for someone carrying something, stopping to help a stranded motorist, checking in on a home bound relative. It doesn't have to be hard, and it is almost always fulfilling.

I ran again (my writing seems to follow the pattern of my running). Same course, same run-walk mix, although I did go about 30 seconds per mile faster than the last run. I am going to try to hold that pace for the next few runs.

--Maddog

Early morning blues

I’m not sure why I like running so much.

I have never experienced what is described as a “runners high”. I don’t ponder life or solve the problems of the world during a run. Most of the time, I just daydream.

Maybe the problem is that I run too early in the morning. I get up at 4:30 AM for my weekday runs (on the weekends, I will run at the more sane hour of 8:00 AM) and am by no means a morning person.

The early hour may also be the appeal for me. I like being out there before the world wakes up. My only companion is the paper delivery person that I see on occasion driving through the neighborhood. Other than that, it is just me and the road. I can’t see enough to be distracted visually. I keep the music on my MP3 player very low, so it is more background noise. I am able to hear the sounds of the world coming to life.

Anyway, I did run again this morning. Same slow pace, same route. I’m planning on trying to stay at this pace for at least a few weeks, until I’m certain that there are no problems (that whole heart thing). I say try, because even this morning I had to hold myself back from trying to beat my time from the last run (I actually did beat the time by a few seconds).

I just need to keep reminding myself – Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

--Maddog

Back on the road again

I made it back on the road again yesterday morning. After a two month layoff, I ran my normal neighborhood circuit.

This may not seem like a big deal, but it is. A month ago, I was treated for heart disease. This was done after about a month of minor chest, arm and jaw discomfort whenever I ran or climbed the stairs. The final outcome was that I had a stent put into an artery which was 95% blocked. I also was told that I had other arteries with around a 40% blockage. According to my cardiologist, my running days were over.

I have never been a person who was logged huge weekly mileage totals or won race after race. I think of myself as a fairly typical runner who, between the demands of work and a family, would somehow get in between 12 and 18 miles a week. I had a goal to compete in my first marathon this year.

Suddenly everything changed. My cardiologist said I would never complete a marathon and he wasn't thrilled with my running at all. In fact, he didn't seem to want me to do anything - a pretty tough pill to swallow for a 42 year old man who, while not what I would call a super-jock, did enjoy a more active lifestyle then many of my coworkers and friends.

After a few weeks of trying to sort this information out, I visited my family doctor. His instructions were more clear. Live life - within limitations. The marathon was still out, but I could run. I could lift weights (another activity of mine), but should keep the weight lower than I had been doing to avoid stressing my heart.

I was estatic. There were limitations, but I won't be sitting around watching life pass me by.

And so, yesterday I was back on the road. A very slow pace of running mixed in with walk breaks to be sure. And it felt great!!

--Maddog