There's a darkness on the edge of town

It seems as I get older, I struggle more and more with what I can only describe as depression. Generally, I would consider myself a pretty upbeat person, bordering on, but not quite an optimist. When I enter these "other" periods, I am anything but.

During these dark times, all I want is to be alone. This doesn't work too well for someone who is married with three children (two who are still at home) and who has a full time job managing others. I don't want to make small talk, much less have a real conversation. I don't find joy in doing anything. I could be in the middle of the best book in the world or watch my favorite movie or go on a run and just not enjoy it. In fact, just getting through the day is a struggle. I use the mantra "Just get me through today" knowing full well that the next day will be no better.

I can't explain what puts me into one of these moods. It generally is triggered by a comment directed at myself that is critical about how I do things or what I am doing. The majority of time, this comment originates from my wife. The comment may be minor and off-hand or may come in the middle of an argument. It my be on the mark or totally unfair. Regardless, it sets me into a tailspin that can take days to come out of.

Most of times the comment made would simply roll off my back and I would go on without a problem. For some reason, unknown even to myself, I must be ready to fall into the vortex of depression when the triggering comment is made. It happens quickly and without warning. On moment, I am going through life with no problem, the next, I am totally shut down.

I don't scream or yell. I don't argue. The depressed times can be best described as times that I am simply not there emotionally. Internally, I am feeling worthless. I actually tend to do more around the house at these times, mostly to keep busy and avoid having to talk with anyone - Just make it through the day.

Usually, this will last for a day to several days. It is sort of amazing that you can carry things like this through sleep (wouldn't it be great if sleep could wipe our emotional slate clean and we could start out fresh each day??). My wife says that I don't want to come out of this state and that there is a part of me that wants to be the victim. I don't agree with that, but I will say that when I am in my shutdown mode, my imagination goes crazy making up things where everyone is against me. These thoughts will keep me in my dark place, if not taking me to darker places.

Coming out of one of these episodes is usually a slow climb out of a deep pit. I feel a little better by degrees until finally, I find myself feeling like my old self again (only a bit fatigued - depression takes a lot out of you physically). Usually, once I am fully out of the state, I am good for a month or two before falling back in that dark hole. But it really depends. If I am stressed or if my wife and I are in a period where we don't see eye to eye, it my come back in a few days. Again, there is some underlying thing here that I don't understand.

I am not a person who spends a lot of time in self-analysis, but I think I need to do more of that to help understand this. I am thinking that this blog may be my way of doing self-anlysis. It forces me to articulate my thoughts and feelings into clear words and write them out. Generally, I avoid spending much time looking at these things.

I'm sure I'll have more to say about this topic in the future - stay tuned.

Running- I did a lot of running two weeks ago, hardly any last week. I need to find a happy medium.

-- Maddog