Screaming in my head

I work as a contractor. I hate it. Beyond the fact that I feel like a gun for hire, the place I work at is like this parasite that will continue to suck the life out of me as long as I am here.

If you ever saw the movie "Joe vs. the volcano", you will have a glimpse of how I feel. The movie, which stars Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, begins with a bleak scene of thousands of workers heading to their office jobs, marching like drones. In the background the song "Sixteen tons" (I owe my soul to the company store). In a later scene, Hanks talks about how he can feel the fluorescent lights sucking the life out of him.

That is exactly where I am at. I trudge into work at a high rise office building with thousands of others. Day after day, week after week. There is no joy or laughter, just workers putting in their time, counting the hours until the weekend, vacation, retirement, death.
I need to do something different, but don't know what. It feels like the bleakness has seeped into my soul. I have tried looking for something else, but I keep asking myself if it will be any better anywhere else. My wife firmly believes that we are where we are supposed to be all the time. Does that mean I am supposed to be in this drudgery? Am I supposed to learn something? Or do I need to be the catalyst for change? And is change even possible where I am? Did I mention that my boss is a micro manager?? Another big issue, but I can go into that at another time.

I need to find a direction.

Trust in the workforce

Trust. Everyone has a concept of what this means, even if that concept varies greatly from person to person. The definition for the verb is to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something.

I bring this up because I am questioning how much this applies in the business world. It seems that anymore, businesses are more worried about the bottom line that it is about the employee and that is causing me to question whether it is wise to trust a company too much.

The specific reason for this is a conversation I had with my manager yesterday. I was told the, due to my experience, at the end of September, I would be moving to a different group. I would need to wrap up the items I'm working on to prepare for the change.

At first, this didn't bother me. Change always causes some anxiety, but I try to be open minded and look at it as an opportunity. However, after a bit of time, the doubts start to come in. Is this just a ploy to get me to wrap things up so that I can be terminated? My wife says that no one would be that devious, but I'm not so certain of that. I have seen pretty disturbing things done in the name of taking care of the company. And since I'm a contractor, cutting me off that way is fairly easy.

No easy answers. Just keep moving forward with my eyes wide open.

NO way out

Okay, so here we go. Boots and I are heading to New Orleans today. Most people think of fun and partying when they think of the Big Easy. This trip will be far from that. We are heading down to try and clear up some Estate things from the mess that her dad left. I don't want to get into all the details, but will sum it up by saying that he re-married about 10 minutes after her mom died and ended up leaving everything he controlled to his new wife when he passed a year later. To muddy things further, there was a trust in her moms name that controlled half the estate (that was not funded). In a nutshell, her moms estate owns half the stuff and the new wife owns the other half. My wife and her sister have spent the last year trying to get things settled, but the other half is dragging her feet. She is living in he house in which she is only half owner and not trying to move forward. A lot of info for not getting into details, but there is so much more.

Anyways, Boots and her sister were heading down there to try and get things moving. I was staying home to take care of things here and look for a job. Suddenly, I had a job and it was decided yesterday that I should go too, for moral support if nothing else. So today we jump on a plane and head out. This should be interesting.

New beginnings

This post is actually done on Feb. 22, not the 14th. I had started a post on Valentines day, but never completed it. I just over-wrote it with this post, but the date did not change.

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It is funny how things work. Early last week, I had nothing going on as far as job prospects go. Then on Tuesday afternoon, I was contacted by 4 different companies wanting either a phone or face-to-face interview. Yesterday morning I had the last of the four. On my way home from that one, I was called by another of the companies and was offered a job, which I accepted. So now, suddenly, I am no longer looking for a job.

I have to get all the paperwork processed and, because it is a financial company, there are background checks that I have to go through, but I don't expect any issues there. We are targeting a start date of mid-March.

Suddenly, I have a bunch of freetime. I don't have to spend all my time on the computer looking for employment. I am planning on spending most of my time trying to get the basement painted. This is actually quite a large job since we are painting on paneling and I am filling in the lines of the paneling with spackling. I'm about 1/4 of the way there (just filling in the lines). I'm hoping to get this finished before I start working.

Am I excited for my new job? Yes. I just want to have all of the paperwork completed and get past that hump. Like I said, I don't expect any issues, but I keep expecting the other shoe to drop.

Ah well, just wanted to get this posted. I actuall started this post last Tuesday, but never got around to completing it.

Welcome to unemployment

Well, I'm back. As always, I have the best intentions of posting more often, but life keeps getting in the way.

I was looking at my last couple of posts and was surprised how recent it was (it has felt like years since I last posted). I actually tried posting yesterday, but the stupid app on my iPhone lost the post.

So anyway, to give an update from my last post, the company I was working for completed the transition of my position to the new company last December. I have been out of work since December 16th. I can't believe it has been nearly 2 months since my last day of work.

Since then, my life has pretty much been defined by looking for a job. I get up in the morning, get on the computer and start looking. I also have been trying to use my network of contacts to find something. There have been a couple of interviews and one job that I thought was perfect for me, but unfortunately, was told that I "didn't fit in with their corporate culture", whatever that means.

So what next. Since my release, I have been struggling with what I should be doing. Does God have a plan for me that does not include my continuing with my career in the way that it was going? Should I be pursuing a different path? I have prayed about this a lot but, if there are signs out there for me, I'm too pig headed to see them. I continue to pray daily on this. I have also taken up reading the bible daily. I have subscribed to a plan that will have me reading the complete bible in a year. I have tried this before on my own, but ended up mired down in the middle of the Old Testment (possibly Psalms).

Anyway, I don't want to get too religious in this post, but when you are looking for direction, I can't think of a better place to start.

I would love to say that I have not been discouraged during this process, but I would be lying. There are times that just looking at jobs on the computer is a chore greater than that which I wish to take on. I am also questioning my desire to go back to a 8-5 job. I have liked being able to get up in the morning and read the bible, catch up on the news and generally take it easy before jumping into the day. What does this all mean? Who knows.

I'm discouraged with this post also. I had a much better one going yesterday. But, what is lost is lost.

I will probably post more often for the short term. It is a good excuse not to be looking for a job, but I will tell myself that it is thereputic.

Finally, I have been running more. I made a goal for this year to get out at least twice a week for at least 30 minutes and 3 miles. I have surpassed that every week and hope to be able to reach that 2012 goal. No races scheduled. I'm waiting for Ragen to finally recover from surgery (back in October).

The grass isn't always greener...

For the past couple weeks, I thought that the people from my current company with jobs at the new company were happy with the situation and had no problems. I was wrong. I was talking with one of the people today and was surprised that be felt the same way I did.

And you may be asking, how are you feeling exactly, since we can't read minds. I am frustrated. I don't know who I really work for, what I should be doing and when to do it. I have a bunch of people looking for me to do things for them and no one to provide the leadership needed to make decisions.

I am planning on looking for another job. I need to find something new. I have talked with some friends about this and even passed on my resume to them, but nothing so far. The other person I was talking with is also considering looking. The new company has become a safety net, not an ideal for him. Nothing has changed. Nothing has improved.

One side note; I saw my cardiologist today and was given a clean bill of health. Now I need to get back to running and back into shape. One step at a time.

I was sleeping fine until, bam, 3:30 AM hit and that ended. I have no idea what woke me up, but after getting up and grabbing a drink of water, sleep would not return.

My mind is racing about relationships - both personal and professional. I have a lot to figure out and feel like I am on an island with no one to help me.

On the personal side, I am trying to figure out who I am to myself, my wife, my immediate family and my extended family - and how does all of that fit together without destroying who I am (or think I am - The line is a bit blurry). A lot of this rolls into the professional side because, like a lot of men, I feel defined by what I do. It is weird. I never wanted to be like this, but when you spend over 40 hours a week for over 20 years working, a large part of your self esteem gets tied to your job. When someone comes in and tells you that your job is going to be moved to another company, you question your worth. Even though I was offered a job and had to turn it down because I didn't want to move, I still feel worthless. I question my value to the company. I don't know what to do. Because I feel inadequate, it is not a good time to try and sell myself to another company, but that is probably the best thing I could do. Feeling wanted would improve my self esteem immensely.

The funny part is, I think everyone involved believes that I do feel wanted. I was offered a job with the new company. My current company offered me a yet to be defined position as liaison with the new company (a job that was described as dead-end). Neither of these items are filling the bill. A job offered and refused does not clarify my future. And being wanted is fine, but if the requirements for that offer are not feasible, the offer loses some of its shine. And at my point in life, I am not ready to "settle" for a dead-end job doing something that I do not believe suits me.

I want the people involved to know that there is a risk in my leaving. Not as a threat, but so that when I come in and hand in my resignation, no one is overly surprised - they will have known this was a possibility. But then I think, shouldn't they know that? Isn't it their job to assess the risks of the transition and mitigate those risks. Is it my responsibility to jump on a chair and scream "Hey!! Look at me. I am not happy with my options, don't like the direction we are moving in and at this point, have no future with this company!! I am seriously considering leaving, giving you only two weeks time to replace me!! This is a huge risk."?

I'm no closer to an answer than when I started this post, but it does seem therapeutic to write this out. It forces me to think about it, even it if is at 4:30 AM.